Lesson #15: Emotional intelligence is your best friend

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First off, some news!

I’m launching a course on Engineering Management! You can sign up for the waitlist here. I’m preparing the curriculum for this course now. If you looked at this before, look again! I updated the landing page with some more information on what I cover. I hope to launch my first cohort this summer!

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Emotional intelligence is your best friend

Think back to your past managers. Then read this list below and count on your hands how many of these behaviors were exhibited in these former managers:

• Lack of empathy: Unable or unwilling to relate to your team’s experiences or feelings

• Micromanagement: Checking on in every. Little. Thing. You did, making you feel like they don’t trust you

• Unable to handle criticism: They can deal it, but they can’t take it

• Unable to express appreciation: On the flip side of the previous one, they don’t recognize you when you do great work

These types of managers are maybe not bad at their jobs, but they’re probably not fun people to work with or for. What they’re lacking is emotional intelligence, or EQ.

Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions as well as to take on these same actions and influence the emotions of others. In leadership, EQ is an important part of building and maintaining a strong, effective team. A high EQ leads to lower stress, better handling of issues that arise, and higher trust within the team.

For some EQ is a natural thing; for others it’s something that needs to be learned. EQ, like pretty much anything else, requires consistent practice and self-awareness. Even if you feel like you have high EQ (or have been told you have high EQ), it’s still something you should be hyper aware of, as EQ will present itself differently as social norms change and your team evolves.

Here are some specific things you can do:

• Practice self-awareness: Regularly check in with your emotions. How are you feeling and why? On any given day you’re going to feel a wide array of emotions, and that’s totally okay. The goal here is to be in tune with how you’re feeling.

• Improve self-regulation: We’ve all been mad in situations when we’ve had to keep our emotions in check, and that’s where self-regulation comes into play. You can utilize techniques can include mindfulness, deep-breathing exercises, meditation, or simply taking a break when you're feeling overwhelmed – figure out what works best for you.

• Develop empathy: Try to see things from others' perspectives. Listen actively and validate other people's feelings. You’ll also build stronger relationships in the meantime.

• Improve your communication skills: Learn to express your needs and feelings in a manner that doesn’t infringe upon the rights of others. Be clear and expressive in your communication.

• Respond, don’t react: A crucial part of emotional intelligence is being able to take a step back when you're in an emotionally charged situation, and respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. (I HIGHLY recommend reading Crucial Conversations if this is an area where you struggle.)

• Seek feedback: Ask for feedback! Not only will you come out with different perspectives around how your emotions are perceived by others but you’ll build trust in the process.

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What I’m reading

FINALLY!!!! I finished High Output Management! I promised I’d finish it by the next newsletter (this one) and I did. I’ll update the review next newsletter. I’ll be reading The Phoenix Project next.

Check out the full book list for recommendations and an ever-growing reading list.

Note: Links to books in this section are affiliate links to help support the purchase of the rest of my books :)

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What I’m working on

Prepping for vacation! Finally taking some real time off to unplug. I’ve been in Poland since last Tuesday working with our new EM and first IC hire out here. It’s really exciting to see the team coming together!

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